scared
by kristy87
Summary: He is so sick of waking up alone every morning, it hurts him so much that he's not able to find the words to describe how he feels… GSR


Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

AN: Thousand thanks to Rhee for beta reading! Thank you so much, you're the best!

Pairing: GSR (**G**rissom and **S**ara or Grisara ;) )

Warning: FLUFF

Summary: He is so sick of waking up alone every morning, it hurts him so much that he's not able to find the words to describe how he feels…

* * *

**scared **

He is so sick of waking up alone every morning. They had been sleeping with each other for a month now, every night after making love to her he holds her close to his chest with his arm twined around her waist, every night he falls asleep with her in his arms, but when he wakes up she is gone.

She's waiting for him to fall asleep before she leaves, he knows this because he already stayed awake and only pretended to be asleep for three times now. About twenty minutes after he falls asleep, when she is one hundred percent sure that he is really sleeping, she silently winds herself out of his embrace and leaves the bed. He had always thought that she would be a very tender person, but she does not kiss him goodbye, she does not even caress his cheek. She simply leaves the bed, grabs her clothes and puts them back on; she does not shower at his place, no, she drives home first.

All this hurts him so much that he's not able to find the words to describe how he feels. But he knows why she is doing what she does. She doesn't do it to hurt him; she is trying to protect herself. He knows that she is scared, more than scared, that one day he will send her away, that he will pretend that all this has never happened, that one day he will stop wanting her. She does not want to get too close to him, she does not want to loose control over her heart. If she would stay, he knows this, then she would start liking all this too much. Once you wake up next to the person you love, you will never want to wake up without this person again. Once you let yourself get lost too deep in love there is no way back and when it ends it destroys you. She is too scared to be destroyed. She has been running after him for years and being with him should be the realization of all her dreams, but she is not yet able to believe that all this is real; she's not able to believe that he changed, that he is finally ready to share his life with her. She is not able to resist him because he is what she had been wanting for all these years, but she tries to reduce it to a physical level. When it ends, and she is sure that it _will_ end, then it hurts less. A relationship which has only been sexual and had nothing to do with actual love is easier to forget, or at least it's easier to get over it.

If he could only show her that he will never send her away again, that he will never pretend that all this never happened, that he will never stop wanting her, that he will always desire her, that he will always love her.

His mother had always told him that love goes through the tummy, which was why she had taught him to cook or how she had tried to convince him to learn to cook. He hasn't cooked for a long time; getting food to take out had always been easier. He really hopes that she will like it.

He wonders if she will understand what he wants to prove to her with all this. He asked her to have dinner with him, just like every night. But this night they would not have dinner in a restaurant, they would not already start making out on their way home, he would not press her against his door and kiss her passionately until he finally decided to start searching for his keys, he would not drag her to his bed room and undress her at the same time, he would not make love to her until she'd cry out his name and even longer. Tonight they would have dinner at his place, he wasn't a very romantic person but tonight he tried to be. He bought candles and a rose for Sara, he's preparing her favorite meal, and he plans to tell her that he loves her. He wants to show her that there is no reason for her to be scared. He is pretty sure that he has told her several times that he loves her, but it had always been while making love to her and he knows that for most women that doesn't count, because honestly, men are willing to say pretty much anything when it's connected with sex.

A knock on his door rips him out of his thoughts. After checking the cooker he heads for the door to open it. Her hair is curled and she's wearing jeans and a tang-top. She always wears her hair in curls when she is too lazy to blow-dry her hair. He knows that she dresses up like this because she doesn't want to feel like it's special. But still, in his eyes, she looks amazingly beautiful.

"Hi," she gives him a soft smile and enters without waiting for his invitation.

He smiles brightly at her and reaches out for her upper arm when she passes him by. "Hi," he lets his hand slip over her shoulder. "You look gorgeous." He has to grin because she's raising her eyebrow in disbelieve about the fact that he is actually using the word 'gorgeous'.

"Are you ready to go?" She asks getting slightly nervous.

He bites down on his bottom lip; he knows that she is not going to be thrilled about the idea of having dinner here at his place. "I thought maybe we'd do something different tonight."

"And what would that be?" She's crossing her arms before her chest as if she'd be freezing and trying to keep herself warm.

"I cooked," he tells her and forces himself to smile although he feels really insecure now. "I hope you'll like it."

She's raising her eyebrow again and enters the living room. He's walking right behind her and almost runs into her when she suddenly stops. "Wow," she sighs. "This is," She turns to him and he can see in her eyes how surprised she is, "did you...wow."

"I thought, since our first date was exactly one month ago we should maybe... do something special today." He lets his hand travel over her shoulder and back, gently caressing her. "I mean we should celebrate that I finally realized that I can't continue living my life without you." He knows that he probably sounds like an idiot, but it is his goal to not let her leave his house without the certainty that he truly loves her.

She doesn't know what to say so she turns to the table again. After a moment he gives up on the hope that she will reply to his comment and heads for the kitchen to serve their meal.

After dinner he watches her while he fills up two glasses with wine in the kitchen. She tries to calm herself down with taking a closer look at the butterflies on his walls.

"I borrowed some DVDs in case you would like to watch a movie." He tells her when he walks back to her with the two glasses in his hands.

"Okay," she fakes a smile and tries to ignore how close he is standing to her.

He is standing right behind her now and slowly slips his arms around her. She could pull away if she really wanted to, he does not want to force her to do anything she doesn't want to do. She finally relaxes a bit and takes the one glass out of his hand. Then she leans back against his chest and he tightens his embrace around her waist. He then carefully brushes his cheek over her shoulder and kisses the soft skin.

She sighs and he knows exactly what she is thinking, she hopes that this will never have to end and she slowly stops telling herself that is necessarily has to end. But on the other hand her fear is still there and he knows that soon she will pull away from him. It just feels perfect, the candle light, the slow music, the way she is leaning against his chest with her back, the way her head is leaning against his shoulder.

He slowly lets his right hand travel to her upper arm and caresses it. Then he kisses her neck again and his lips work their way up to her ear. "I love you," he whispers softly and he can feel how she tenses in his arms. He prays that she will not pull away from him; he prays that she will believe him and that she will not want to leave. He doesn't need to hear her say that she loves him too, he doesn't want her to feel as if she has to say it, all he wants is for her to believe him and that she will stop being scared that he will break her heart. He continues caressing her arm to calm her down and gladly it works.

Then she turns around to face him and she obviously gained conscience in the last few moments. She smiles softly at him and slips her one arm around his neck. She takes a sip from her glass and lets her eyes meet his.

He smiles back at her and then carefully closes the gap between their lips. Starting with soft kisses, they soon loose themselves in passionate kisses. At some point they get rid of the glasses and most of their clothes.

And like last night and the night before and all the other nights in the last month he holds her in his arms after he made love to her. He is still awake and wonders if she will leave again tonight. He knows that she thinks that he is already asleep so he's waiting for her to wind herself out of his embrace.

After a while she starts moving and soon she's sitting up. But she doesn't move away from him yet. She slowly reaches out for his cheek and caresses it with her thumb, then she bends over and places a soft kiss on his cheek, but after a while she skids to the edge of the mattress.

At this point Grissom reaches out for her hand. She winces, surprised about the fact that he is awake. He caresses her fingers with his thumb and then places soft kisses on her knuckles. "Why do you always leave?" He asks after a moment.

She opens her mouth to say something but the words just don't come out.

He waits for a moment and he doesn't know whether to let her leave or to ask her to stay. But then she finds her words. "Do you want me to stay?" She asks softly.

"Of course I do," he tells her and drags her closer to him. She hesitates for a moment but then slips back under the blanket.

Now when she's lying with her face to his he can see that she must have cried. Her cheeks are still moist from the tears. He carefully slips his arm around her waist and snuggles against her, and then he gently kisses her forehead. "Honey, you don't have to be scared." Then he brushes a strand of hair out of her face and kisses her on her cheek. "I know that I have been an asshole for years and I know that many things I did really hurt you but I changed." He whispers into her ear, "I will never hurt you again, Honey."

She slowly calms down and cuddles up against his body. She doesn't say anything but she doesn't have to. He holds her close to him and caresses her back for half an hour until she falls asleep in his arms. Only then he allows himself to close his eyes.

When he wakes up she is still asleep. Tenderly he kisses her lips and cheeks and brushes his hand through her hair. Then he places a soft kiss on her eyelid and his hand travels from her shoulder to her lower back. It feels so good to wake up with her in his arms; he never wants to wake up alone again.

* * *

THE END

I hope that you liked it. I'd really like to know what you think about this fic, so let me know if you have the time to do so :)


End file.
